Bottle It
by x-Wabisuke-x
Summary: Usopp meets blond, Usopp accidentally sees blond naked, Usopp later meets blond again and crush related Usopp mental torture ensues. Sanji x Usopp. SLASH
1. Part 1 : Any Old Job

He stood on the porch, waiting for an answer, kicking stray pebbles and bits of stone to keep his eyes on the ground because someone told him years ago that looking into someone else's house was rude.

Still, could it take these people any longer to answer the damn door? They _had _called him after all. Huffing, he hunched his shoulders and crept closer to the door to bend his nose against it and look inside. He hummed critically at the typical suburban make-up of what he could see. A recently swept wood floor hallway lined with framed pictures of things Usopp couldn't make out from the distance. Next to that a white carpeted staircase. He remembered on the phone that the room he was doing was on one of the upper floors. Just to be safe he started to drag the bottoms of his shoes thoroughly against the 'welcome' mat outside the house.

He tensed when he heard footsteps against the wood floor inside, and stood up straight and alert.

The door opened, and it came with a laugh that for a reason he couldn't pinpoint made the butterflies in Usopp's stomach flutter up to constrict his chest. There was a flash of blond before anything else as the storm door opened and smacked him in the face.

Taken by surprise he fell backward and his head clunked against the cement porch, legs flailing as he held his now crooked nose and cried out.

"Huh?" A voice from above called his attention. "Who are you? Why were you standing so close?"

Usopp had spoken to a woman on the phone, but this was clearly a man. Black slacks, a suit shirt, and a black tie, loose around his neck as if he'd been in the middle of taking it off when he heard the knock. Blond hair covering his right eye and a bit of hair on his upper lip and chin. But Usopp had to blink twice to make sure that ridiculous swirl in his eyebrow was actually _there_ and not just a figment of his imagination.

"Sanji-kun, he's here to paint the bathroom!" A female voice, the same one from the phone.

"Oh, I see." The smile that graced this "Sanji's" face might've been brilliant if Usopp hadn't been in so many variations of pain. "Nice to meet you."

"Bastard!" Usopp propped himself up on his elbows to shout. "I didn't come here to get maimed!" He barked.

"Right, sorry." His words said apology but his body language said 'waving it off now.' "You want to come in and see it, then? Mr. …" He shifted his weight to one side and started digging around in his pants pocket.

Usopp scoffed, but then sighed and got back to his feet. "Everyone just called me Usopp." He said.

"Sanji." He didn't stick out a hand to be shaken because he was too busy lighting up a cigarette. "Nami-Swan is inside, she's the one you talked to before." He turned around as he took a drag.

"Yeah, I assumed that." Usopp shrugged, nodding a little as he looked around the house.

"Listen." Sanji turned around again to shut the door, looking hard at Usopp through narrowed eyelids. "She's working in the living room right now, but if you give her any wrong looks- no, if you look at her _al all_ I'll rip that gigantic nose of yours off and crush it underneath this shoe." He shifted a foot and pointed to its soul.

"Hey, hey. Isn't it a little rude to make observations like that after we just met?" Usopp paled. He didn't think this guy was capable of what he described, but just the fact that he was so quick to say it made him seem just a little insane, and insanity usually wasn't safe.

"Well, anyway." Sanji flashed that ear-to-ear smile again, and Usopp ducked into his shoulders a little. This guy was _scary._ "I'll show you the bathroom."

He kept up the small talk as they ascended the staircase. "So you have low prices I here, but are you any good at this?"

Usopp smiled modestly and shrugged. "Actually, I'm the best there is." He explained. "But there are so many in this economy that can't afford paint jobs, so I decided to lower my prices to that of an amateur." He laughed proudly. "Actually, I painted a whole kitchen for this one family- an older couple with two little kids and a small dog…" He went on, nodding with each detail. "After I finished they were so impressed they gave me the title: Usopp the Greatest and Most Gracious-,"

"Are you lying?" Sanji interrupted.

Hearing this, Usopp choked on his own words and if that didn't give it away, the terrible poker face as he furrowed his eyebrows and clapped his hands over his mouth did.

Sanji sighed audibly, wondering if this idea of Nami's was going to end up doing more harm than good.

"Well, the truth is I spend a lot of time as an adventurer climbing mountains and exploring uncharted caves, so I don't have a lot of time to-,"

"Yeah, yeah…" Sanji cut him off before he could dig himself any deeper.

"It's small, as you can see." Sanji held out an upturned palm to present the current state of Usopp's latest job. "That's why we figured it would be a job for one person as opposed to hiring a company. Plus, Nami likes to save money." He shrugged.

"I'm sure I can handle it." Usopp looked around. It was very small, and there wasn't much of the wall showing. There was a lot to work around but that was where Usopp's natural artistic skill came in. "I can get it done in one day, as requested."

"Right, cool. I'll let her know. Go ahead and do whatever it is you do." Sanji waved him off lazily and headed back down the stairs.

Usopp planted his wrists on his hips and gave the walls before him one more glance over before he turned around and left to retrieve what he'd need.

o-o-o-o-o

"Wow, that looks amazing!" The same feminine voice from before came from behind Usopp as he was crouched on the ground with his head behind the toilet to get at the wall behind it. He already had one half done, and that must've been what she was admiring.

Usopp looked over his shoulder and smiled appreciatively. "Thanks! I'm glad you like it so far."

"It's perfect!" She walked in and looked a little closer, but the look of approval remained no matter how close she got. "Hey," She called his attention again, and he glanced back in askance. "Sanji's in the middle of some pastries. I'll bring you a few if you want."

"Oh, really? That'd be great! Is he a good cook?"

"Only the best." Nami said, still standing there, and still smiling.

"Awesome! I can't wait!" Usopp smiled back, and then turned around to go back to work behind the toilet. For a moment, Nami regarded the way his butt was sticking up in the air. It didn't look half bad…

"Hey…" She said, and Usopp was a little confused as to what she could possibly want this time. When he looked back again, she had a finger placed thoughtfully under her chin. "I'll bring them to you in a bikini if you knock off 50%."

"Wha-WHAT?" Usopp's arms holding him up nearly gave out.

"Fine, 60%." She demanded.

Usopp swallowed, and turned around quickly to go back to painting the little white spots that remained above the tape. "N-no that won't be necessary." He managed to stutter out. "Just have him bring them when they're done, don't trouble yourself." He was pretty much just sputtering nonsense now, hoping she'd get the picture and leave.

"I could ask Sanji-kun to wear a bikini, if that's what you prefer." She tried.

"No, thank you! In fact I'm not hungry, please pay full price and have a nice day!" He stuck his head so far behind the toilet he could sell the carpet and it didn't smell good. Someone must've missed…

He heard her sigh. "Whatever. I'll have him bring them." She left, and he knew only because the door slammed so hard.

o-o-o-o

"Whoa, it's looking good in here. I'm impressed."

Usopp actually smelled the heavenly goodness before he heard the voice. He was simply glad it wasn't the wife again, and that when he looked back, he was relieved to find the husband fully clothed. Not in the same half-worn formal stuff he had on before though, this time casual jeans and what looked like a t-shirt under an apron with a panda bear on it.

"Ha! Thank you!" Usopp said feeling proud of his work for the second time that day. He was now on his hands and knees straining to get at the wall perpendicular to the sink. That damn thing in particular wasn't designed to be easily re-painted.

"Here, Nami-san said you'd be interested." Sanji held out the tray to him. It was lined with a layer of chocolate coated rectangular pastries with artistically applied orange and white paste of some sort.

"Oh, awesome, these look great!" Usopp took one and shoved it in his mouth, chewing happily.

"Glad you like them." Sanji said. "But don't eat too many, I want to save a lot for Nami-swan." He always said her name in a sing-song voice. They must've been in the early stages of marriage, still lovestruck. It was sweet, but Usopp doubted they'd stay that way forever. Not with the wife offering servicemen to see her half naked for a discount.

"Right, right." Usopp took another. "I'll just take these two then. Thanks a lot!" He ducked back down behind the sink to move on.

A few moments later, Usopp stopped mid-brush-stroke because from the corner of his eye, behind his arm, he could see that Sanji was still standing there.

"Is something wrong?" Usopp looked over his shoulder, and Sanji's eyes flicked up to his. It looked like he'd been looking thoughtfully at the floor.

"Ah!" Sanji's eyes widened. "No, it's fine. Carry on." He turned around quickly and rushed out. Usopp shrugged, assuming he was embarrassed to be caught out of his head.

"Oh, by the way." Sanji's head suddenly appeared. "Do you know why Nami-san asked me to bring these in my underwear?"

"No idea!" Usopp barked, scowling, and huffed as he got back to work. Sanji blinked, surprised at the outburst, but maybe the guy was bipolar and tired of getting interrupted. So with a shrug, he took his mini cakes and left.

o-o-o-o

Usopp hadn't seen the wife nor the husband for over an hour. He'd already finished and gotten everything cleaned up, but neither of them seemed to be on the upper floor. He made the decision to carry all of his things out to his car and then come back in to discuss payment and to show the final product.

He got rid of all the paper he'd laid down, shoving it into his own garbage bag and then into his own trunk. He always made sure to leave things just like he left them. The same, except with more color! That was his company motto.

Once he'd gotten everything picked up, he went back inside and crept around the foreign home until he found Nami sitting at a desk in the corner of a room with a few sofas and a television. She seemed to be the one who controlled the money, or at least tried to be, so even though their last encounter terrified him it was probably best he talk to her.

"You're done?" She assumed after he'd announced his presence.

"Yup, all finished. You can take a look first if you like."

"Hey, you sure about declining that offer? It's not to late to change, and I'd be willing to settle for thirty."

"Uh, no." Usopp decided not to freak out this time. "I really need the money, and I'm not really interested."

"Well so do I!" Nami flailed. "Do you how much debt my idiot husband has put us in?"

Usopp shrunk down a little, wondering vaguely if he should be worried for his life and just get out while he still could.

"Fine, whatever. I'll pay full price. But you have no idea how rare it is for me to do that!" She pointed a finger in his face. Was he supposed to start feeling special? "Anyway, let me see." She sighed, one hand on her hip, and walked around him.

Usopp followed her up the stairs and in front of the bathroom, but got a little confused when she stopped in front of the closed door with her arms crossed.

"Well?" She asked.

Hm, did she want him to open the door for her? Was she that old fashioned…? Well, maybe with her husband treating her like a princess… Usopp decided he didn't need to think about it, and stepped around her to open the door.

"See?" He said proudly, holding out a palm of presentation. "Doesn't it look…" He looked himself and was immediately gaping.

"Huh? What do you want?" Sanji. He was standing there. Sanji was standing there in front of the mirror with a towel… a towel, and nothing else. And he wasn't wearing the towel, he was using it to dry his hair… which meant…

Usopp's eyes couldn't help dragging down the blond man's slim body, and especially those legs. Where the hell did he get such long legs? And why did just looking at his thighs make Usopp want to bite them? And holy good god, why was he standing here so conspicuously staring at a naked man's body! Most importantly his-

"HEY!" Sanji suddenly shouted. Shouting, dripping wet, towel on his head… "Shut the door! There's a lady behind you!" He barked, flailing angrily so his parts sort of… bounced…

Usopp yelped, and jumped back outside the door, yanking it shut behind him. He sealed his eyes shut tightly once it was closed, and the only thing in front of him was wood. Wood. Shit, wood. Wood in his pants… NO. Think ugly thoughts… Meri in a tutu… Chopper's grandmother in a short red dress…

"So…" A dark conniving voice came from behind him, and Usopp squeaked. "Now that I let you see something nice, will you save me 50%?"

Without a second thought on the subject, Usopp raced to get the hell out of there, regardless of what he was leaving behind.

A/N- So a lot shorter than my usual chapters. That's because it's not really a chapter so much as a scene… a 'part' of about five or six that will be sort of separate but in the same universe and lead to a lovely SanUso conclusion.

**I reserve the right beforehand to sneak underlying tiny ZoSan moments in here. But don't worry, nothing solid for those of you who don't like ZoSan, the things I have planned you probably have to be a ZoSan shipper to really notice. Until now that is, because I just told you.**

**Anyway, yeah. I'm really excited for this fic. Actually hoping to complete it tonight. All the parts should be about this length.**


	2. Part 2 : Zombie Apocolypse

He wasn't a heavy drinker, and as a teenager he never imagined himself ending up the type to hit the local bar once a week. But since all of his friends were local, and it slowly became their favorite place to hang out, he ended up attending pretty often.

He was broke though- three days after his last job, and a complete loss. Sure, he'd gotten the job done great, but due to some unfortunate luck with the insanely cheap lady of the house, he'd walked away empty handed. And the presence of the victimized husband made him too embarrassed to go back and ask for his fee, let alone think about suing.

But, he was friends with one of the bar tenders, so he could always hope for some free drinks if Zoro was in a good mood. With this hope in mind, he walked inside, and eye-scanned the lounge for the most obnoxious patron.

"I demand more food choices!" Arms flailing not far from the entrance, and their mutual friend Zoro behind the counter, using all his concentration to keep from exploding as he was shouted at. "Come on Zoro! Tell them to serve more meat!"

"There's a restaurant right next door!" Zoro shouted as Usopp tip-toed over to them, staying behind Luffy and out of sight for the time being to avoid being attacked.

"I don't have any money…" Luffy pouted.

"What, so you're asking for free food?" Zoro slammed the glass he was holding down on the counter. Luffy whined and laid his head down on the counter next to the glass, looking inside and imagining it was filled with ice cream. This only made him stick out his bottom lip further.

"I'm hungry." He cried.

"What else is new?" Usopp sat down beside him, complete with sigh and eyeroll.

"Usopp!" Luffy erupted from his seat, apparently just now noticing his presence. "Give me some money!"

Usopp scoffed. "I don't have any. I told you, I'm broke until tomorrow's job is finished." Luffy practically melted with the death of all his hopes that had appeared with Usopp.

"Zorooooo…" Luffy whined again, apparently back to plan A.

"I'm not giving you anything!" Zoro barked. "Where's that weird guy that always buys you stuff?"

Luffy's eyes suddenly got really big. "LAW!" He jumped up from the stool. "I'll find him!" He pounded a fist into his palm and then took off for the door.

Usopp sighed. "And suddenly I'm alone."

"Yup." Zoro nodded.

"Wait, you're here, aren't you?" Usopp barked.

Zoro was looking off into some distance that Usopp did not care to find out what was. Apparently that was a "no."

This probably meant he wasn't getting any free drinks either. Kaya said she couldn't come tonight and Chopper was underage… where the hell was Franky? Probably with Robin again.

"Hey, Marimo! A certain gorgeous bluenette is telling me you guys got in another fight!" An angry, unfamiliar voice from behind him, nothing exciting. But he'd called Zoro a 'marimo', and that was at least enough to make Usopp snicker.

"We didn't fight! Where do you get this shit?" Zoro barked back over the counter, saliva flying off his snarling gums, and some of it splashing on Usopp's face.

"She said you were being an ass because she took her ring off the other day!" _Wait… that voice did sound kind of familiar… _Thought Usopp as he wiped away Zoro's spit.

A black-shoed foot appeared with its sole pressing against the edge of the bar counter. "How many times do I have to remind you how to handle a lady? If she's nice enough to humor a barbarian like you, she deserves only the best in return!"

"She didn't _say_ that, and no I wasn't! I just asked _why_ she took it off!" Zoro scoffed. "And seriously, stop calling her!"

"Like hell!" A familiar blond head of hair appeared beside Usopp, shouting across the counter. "It's my second job to watch over innocent ladies if they, in their free will and grace, choose to spend time with muscle-headed morons who don't know how to treat them right!"

"You damn dartboard, you know she thinks you're annoying!"

"You would say that, shitty marimo!" Suddenly Sanji became aware of someone staring at him. When he looked, the guy was just gaping at him, chin almost in his lap, not moving, just sitting there gawking. It took him just a moment to put the pieces together, because who could forget a nose like that…

"Usopp?" He asked, as if testing if the name were correct.

Usopp squeaked because …_if he remembers my name he must remember what happened…_

"There's my favorite blond!" Before Usopp could attempt to make any sort of reply and probably fail, an arm appeared around Sanji's shoulder. "So this is where you ran off to? Flirting with Zoro again?"

"Like hell I was!" Sanji's scowl was deadly. "Get off me!" He fumed, and shoved the offending tattooed muscular arm off.

"Ace?" Usopp cocked his head.

"Huh? Usopp, you and Sanji know each other?"

"Uh…" Usopp struggled to answer the question, because Sanji was still busy just scowling. "We met recently." He decided to go with that.

Ace laughed. "Small town, I guess, even though you just moved here." He smiled really big at Sanji. "You're quick to make friends."

"Does that mean you know Luffy too?" Usopp looked at Sanji.

"What, the strawhat guy? Sure." He'd already lit up a cigarette to calm himself. "He never gives me a moment's peace with the eating…"

"Careful then, he'll be back soon, and he was on a hunger rampage when he left." Usopp warned. Sanji cursed, and slid into the seat next to Usopp with a heavy sigh. Ace sat next to Sanji and held up two fingers to Zoro. "Two of the usual."

"Don't buy me things!" Sanji barked over his shoulder, and then turned back to Usopp. "I'm usually up for a challenge but that guy leaves me the kind of exhausted I don't feel like being tonight." He shrunk a little in his seat. "By the way, about the other day…" Sanji's eyes narrowed critically at Usopp. Usopp suddenly stiffened, and he swallowed… did they really need to talk about this?

"You ran away without getting paid." Sanji squinted. "Why were you in such a hurry? Did you do something to Nami-san you're afraid to own up to?"

As the word registered Usopp allowed himself a slow sigh of relief. "No, it was nothing like that." He took in a deep breath, because it was times like this that nineteen years of lying had prepared him for. "I just had somewhere to be." Not the most intricate, but sometimes it's best to be vague. Besides, that was all that would come out.

"Oh." Sanji studied him a bit more. "Well, she was happy anyway." He shrugged.

"About that…" Usopp began. "I actually sort of need-," He was cut off by a glass landing in front of Sanji.

Sanji picked it up, looked it over, and then looked at Usopp. "You like cosmopolitan?"

"Oh. Yeah?" Usopp answered, and Sanji handed him the drink.

"One cosmopolitan for me marimo." Sanji waved to the green-haired bartender with a charmed smile and earned an eyeroll.

"You're cruel." Ace pouted. "Usopp, you owe me for that!" …And Usopp had already taken a sip, damn it! And that was an expensive drink! Still… it was probably this or nothing…

"I seem to recall you owing me a kiss…" Ace stroked his chin. "Something about an empty parkway on a rainy day, and a-,"

"That's enough!" Sanji exploded and shouted, making it clear that he did _not_ want Ace to finish that sentence.

"Then I'm collecting." Ace put an arm over Sanji's shoulder and tried to lean in.

Sanji put his palm against Ace's face and shoved him away. "Sorry, but I can't do that right now."

"Come on, Usopp doesn't mind." Ace spoke into Sanji's hand, still holding onto his shoulder and trying to pull and push his way back to the blond's scowling face.

"I think he does, because Usopp and I happen to be on a date." Sanji said, so casually, and everything in Usopp's head screamed "WHAT!"

"Huh?" Ace's entire demeanor broke into pieces. His shoulders hunched, and arms fell to his side like limp noodles as he pouted. Sanji turned his head and looked pointedly at Usopp to make sure he played along. Usopp blinked, and Sanji winked for more encouragement. With that, Usopp was sold.

"Y-yeah, what did you think we were doing here together?" Usopp gathered his never failing fibbing skills. "This is a date." He laughed, as if it were all so obvious.

That was enough to make Ace's aggression falter, and Sanji was able to shove him far enough away so that his arm was removed.

"But… Usopp doesn't like guys!" Ace pointed. "I thought you were with Kaya!" He was clearly panicking. "And wait, you don't like guys either." Ace huffed and pointed a finger in Sanji's face.

"Kaya and I were never together." Usopp snapped, not having to lie his away around that one. Everyone seemed to think that, though. "And I'm just… trying something new." He explained. Actually, Usopp did like guys. He liked them a lot. Girls too, but he was just figuring it all out for himself, and hadn't actually told anyone except his closest friend, Kaya herself.

"And you know what they say about guys with big noses." Sanji shrugged, keeping his answers simple and sort of distant as he smoked away another cigarette.

"Hey." Usopp scoffed, but didn't have a lot of time to be angry, because warm, thin fingers were slipping between his own. He squeaked audibly as Sanji brought their entwined hands up on top of the bar counter to be seen. Sanji, kept his cool though, and it seemed like he was the one that Ace was focused on. Good thing too, because Usopp's whole body was frozen stiff.

Sanji's touch was way too smooth, and his fingers way, way too soft…

"Ugh, you're horrible." Ace sat in his own seat again, pouting. "I can't even say anything because you guys are so cute together…" He sighed.

"Eh?" Usopp gasped at that, and then let out a muffled protest as Sanji released his hand to close his own over Usopp's mouth.

"Thank you." Sanji remained calm. As far as liars go Usopp definitely felt like he was being left in the dust.

"I guess I'll leave you guys to your 'date' then." Ace got up all discouraged, and Usopp almost felt a little bad for him as he walked away.

"Are you sure that's all right?" Usopp asked.

"He'll get over it fast." Sanji shrugged, and right after he did, Usopp watched Ace approach a pretty girl with long blue hair sitting at one of the tables.

"I see that…" Usopp snorted.

"You two are morons." Zoro, who'd been standing quietly watching the whole time, finally put in his two cents in monotone with a disturbingly straight face.

"I don't want to hear that from _you._" Usopp barked. "Besides, it wasn't my idea." Usopp stuck up his nose and rejected all the blame.

"Yeah, sorry." Sanji shrugged. "He's insufferable."

"Wait…" Suddenly, Usopp remembered something important. "Wait! Doesn't he know you're married? Why didn't you just tell him?"

Sanji looked at Usopp and blinked. "Married?" His head tilted completely sideways.

"Uh… yeah." Usopp squinted. Was he being messed with? "Isn't Nami your wife?"

Laughter boomed from behind the counter, enough to make Usopp jump a little.

"Nami and the Cook?" Zoro barked out laughing, "Well, you do deserve each other…"

"Shut the fuck up!" Sanji shot up out of his seat and leaned over the counter like he was going to bite Zoro's face off. "Don't you dare say anything bad about Nami!"

Zoro pulled his head back, scoffed as if disgusted, and wiped his face off like he'd been spat on. He opened his mouth to retort, before another customer called his attention and with a growl he was forced to leave it at that for now. Sanji looked after him, practically on fire with the anger flickering off of him. Usopp, frowned, feeling like he'd accidentally dealt Sanji a pretty hard blow.

"So… you're not?" Usopp was still confused, even after that display. "But she mentioned her husband… and what were you doing there?"

Sanji sighed dreamily. "It makes my heart flutter that you'd think so." He looked up at the ceiling with longing. "But no, she's married to someone else. He's out of town for a few days and I was just visiting."

So… Sanji wasn't married to that insane person, wasn't married at all. In fact he generally appeared pretty single judging by all that happened tonight. Why did that make Usopp a little bit happy? It shouldn't have, because what had been made clearer than anything was that Sanji was straight.

"Anyway, in exchange for playing along with that, you want another drink?" Sanji offered, and Usopp was quick to accept. He wanted to say he didn't mind at all, but he would have meant it as suggestively as it sounded, so he didn't.

"SANJI!" A loud, obnoxious high-pitched voice made Sanji cringe. "YOU WERE HERE? GIVE ME FOOD!" He looked back over his shoulder in horror and found Luffy pointing an aggressive index finger in his direction from just inside the bar's entrance.

"Shit!" Sanji got up out of his seat and started to make a run for it. "Cover me!" He grabbed Usopp by the wrist and pulled him along. Usopp followed, confused and helpless and stumbling as Sanji lead him down the counter and through the swinging door that lead behind it.

"Running huh!" Luffy sounded particularly terrifying. "I'll catch you!" He shouted and took off just as Sanji dragged Usopp into the storage area.

"The hell, you can't come back here!" Zoro barked from his spot up on a ladder, and amidst reaching for one of the higher placed bottles.

"Open the back door, shit head!" Sanji ordered, stopping suddenly so Usopp nearly crashed into him.

"It's open." Zoro scoffed. "Get the hell out."

"Bye then!" Sanji took off again, and once again dragging Usopp with him.

"USSSOOPPPPPP!" Luffy's monstrous voice could be heard from inside just as they made it out, and Usopp found himself genuinely terrified. A little scared that if they were caught he might actually be eaten if Luffy had lost it as much as it sounded.

"Run faster!" Sanji laughed out an order, and Usopp had no problem obeying.

"SAAAAANNNJI! MEEEATTT!" He felt like they were being chased by zombies! Or one, really fast, really _hungry_ zombie! Sanji had said Ace was insufferable, but when it came to food his brother was the very definition of that word. There was no way they could get away, they were going to die…

All of the sudden Usopp found himself and the obnoxious blond dragging him running up the ramp of a parking garage. He could hear Luffy's sandals slapping across the pavement not far behind as Sanji weaved between the parked cars, trying anything to lose him. He'd let go of Usopp's hand but Usopp kept following because he didn't know, or even have time to think of what else to do. He wasn't sure if Luffy would actually keep chasing Sanji if he split off or if he'd come after Usopp at this point of his insanity.

And Sanji… he was laughing. Usopp really wanted to ask what the hell part of this was so damn funny, and knock him over the head with a hammer for emphasis, but he didn't have the breath to do it.

"We're going to have to jump!" Suddenly Sanji was saying something to him. The words took a few rushed steps to register, and then Usopp took time to look around.

"WHAT!" He flailed. In front of them was nothing but a cement wall that only rose half-way to the ceiling where the next level was. Between that the second floors of all the buildings across the street were plainly visible.

"Stay here if you wanna get caught." Sanji's voice was way too morbid. Usopp was even more bothered by the fact that Sanji's hand reattached to his because until that happened he'd meant to change course! But in the moment he faltered they arrived at the wall, and Sanji hopped onto it and then off without a second thought, still holding tightly onto Usopp's hand.

Usopp had to think fast, and just barely was able to launch himself high enough to go over the wall without even landing on it first like Sanji had. Sanji had released his hand just as he went over, soon enough to get a grip on his own landing but late enough so that he'd successfully yanked Usopp down with him.

Sanji attempted to land on his feet, but felt something twinge in his ankle and he fell back onto his ass, just in time for Usopp to land on top of him and cushion his fall.

Usopp groaned. "I can't believe you did that."

"Get up, he'll jump too, we have to lose him!" Sanji grabbed the back of Usopp's jacket and tried to yank him off.

"I can't." Usopp groaned, his face pressed against Sanji's underarm where it landed. "I think I'm coming down with something- it might be fatal if I run anymore."

"Come on!" Sanji apparently wasn't having any of that, because he shoved Usopp off, grabbed him by the wrist, yet again, and pulled him along the building side. Usopp didn't know why he got up and ran instead of just letting himself be dragged, but he did. Maybe it had something to do with Luffy shouting:

"I'LL STILL GET YOU." From above, and then disappearing behind the wall, probably to get a running start on his jump. Usopp kept his eyes over his shoulder, and just as he watched Luffy make the jump, and land almost flawlessly on his feet to keep running, he was yanked around a corner.

They kept going for about a block and a half after Luffy was no longer in sight, and his shouting had died down, and then Sanji slowed to a stop. "I think we escaped." He said, leaning all the way over as he gasped for breath. Usopp collapsed onto his knees and then fell with his face against the sidewalk.

"I'm dead." He decided, panting and gagging against the cement underneath his face.

"Hey, hey." Sanji nudged him with his toe. "I thought you were a mountain-climbing cave-explorer."

"Well…" Usopp tried to speak between pants. "You'd be surprised how much arm as opposed to leg strength that stuff requires." He coughed.

"I see." Sanji crouched next to him and looked at him critically. A few moments of silence, and Sanji poked his head to make sure he was still alive, only to have his hand swatted away.

"Anyway, it's your fault, why did you drag me with you?" Usopp lifted his head and shouted. Then came that big smile again, and Usopp hunched his shoulders, feeling a little defeated by that alone.

"Dunno, just did." Sanji shrugged.

"I'll kill you!"

Eventually, as Sanji leaned against the nearby light post, smoking, Usopp finally dragged himself to his feet and was able to stand as his still-beaten legs shook beneath him.

"Which way do you live?" Sanji asked. Usopp looked around first, to judge the area, and then pointed.

"Me too, probably safer if we go together anyway." Sanji pushed off the light post and started to walk ahead.

"Of course!" Usopp gathered some energy and hopped after him, sticking close behind his back. "I'm counting on your protection!"

"…I meant for both of us…" Sanji snorted. "But whatever."

o-o-o-o-o

"You _live_ here?" Usopp gaped at the huge restaurant. The light-up sign was off, as it was late and most places were closed, but it clearly read 'Baratie.'

"On the upper-floors, yeah." Sanji shrugged. "And old friend of mine owns the place, and I've lived with and worked for him since I was a kid. I'd move out but it's just too convenient."

"That would be convenient." Usopp nodded. "So you _are_ an actual chef?"

"Of course I am!" Sanji barked. "What did you think, that amazing food I fed you came from the hands of someone who only cooked as a hobby? I've been doing it all my life." He snuffed, and took an irritated drag.

"Oh, you must be pretty good then." Usopp grinned. "I'll have to stop by here and try something!"

"Yeah, you should."

Usopp could just barely make out a tiny smirk in the dim light from the street lamp.

"Well, I live in an apartment like a normal person. It's a few blocks down. See you around?" Usopp took a few steps backward, and waved to signal his leave.

"Yeah." Sanji nodded between a drag, and Usopp flashed a giant smile until he turned around to head home. Sanji waited until his back was turned, and maybe a little longer to head inside.


	3. Part 3 : Digging Deeper

"Usoppppppp!" He cringed at the all-too-familiar, high-pitched, drawn-out version of his name. When he looked, Luffy was on the other side of the street, eyes darting after the passing cars for an opportunity to cross. Four lanes, and there wasn't even a crosswalk!

"L-" Usopp started to protest, but just as he did, Luffy bolted. He didn't time it very well either, and while Usopp was vaguely wondering if he should have been running away after their last encounter, he was far too worried that his friend was about to get smashed by a bus.

"LUFFY!" He barked, though terrified as some of the cars came to screeching stops and others, whose driver's clearly weren't paying attention, nearly hit him. Finally, after side-hopping away from one truck that nearly hit him just before it stopped, Luffy was on the other side.

By this time Usopp had crumpled into a mess of limbs underneath a telephone pole.

"Shishishi…" Luffy had his arms proudly crossed. "Crossing this time of day is a little harder."

"I almost had a heart-attack." Usopp screeched, and just as he did, loud, incoherent shouting came from underneath the horns blaring off the street. They both looked to find a man waving his fist and coming toward, them, and a few others exiting their cars as well.

"They look mad." Luffy inquired.

"Shit." Usopp shuddered. "Let's get out of here before the cops show." With that, he took off, not checking to see if Luffy followed but instead just hoping he would as he fled the scene as fast as his legs could carry him.

He turned down an alley, came out on the other side and slowed to a stop.

"GOTCHA!" Luffy jumped and clung to him from behind, chin digging into his shoulder.

"Ow, what the hell?" Usopp scoffed and tried to pry his arms off as his back started to bend inward. "Let go! I'm not Zoro, I can't-" He stumbled backward, about to fall.

"Oh right, sorry." Luffy stepped down "I was thinking about the other night." He snickered a little. Usopp scoffed, and looked around to try and find the best way to get back on track for his destination from here.

"So where are you headed?" Luffy asked. "Another job?"

"No, I just finished one, I'm taking the day off." He started down the sidewalk in what he deduced to be the right direction.

"Oooh? Where are you going now then?"

Usopp scoffed, because he didn't know what to say. He might've even blushed a little because on top of the fact that Sanji might never forgive him for bringing the eating machine to his workplace (and home), _and _just how terrified Usopp was of his wallet being empty by the time he left if Luffy came with him, some part of him had planned this alone. He might've thought about the whole thing just a little bit more than a normal person plans a lone dinner. It was silly, because Sanji was a chef, worked in the kitchen, so he probably wouldn't even see him.

"Just meeting Kaya for a movie." He couldn't mention anything having to do with food or he'd have a tag-along for sure.

"Really? With popcorn?" Luffy's eyes started to glisten and his mouth started to water.

"No! No popcorn!" Usopp barked.

"Eeeeh?" Luffy gaped. How does one attend a movie theater without a vast expanse of snacks in his or her lap? "But wait a minute, have you been spending too much time with Zoro? The theater's that way." He pointed behind them. "Plus it's really far, you should drive." Damn Luffy and his intuitive moments.

"I'm…" Usopp had to think fast. "…Going to the bank first."

"Oh. I see." Fortunately, it seemed Luffy hadn't the slightest idea that they were walking away from a shopping mall with just about every available bank ATM inside it, including Usopp's.

Now he just had to figure out away to shake Luffy before he got to the restaurant.

Fortunately, fate took care of that for him.

"Huh? Isn't that Trafalgar Law?" Usopp stopped and blinked, not thinking much of it at first when he noticed the familiar white-spotted-brown hat standing at the corner up ahead as if waiting for the chance to cross. Like a normal person, not a Luffy, mind you.

"Really!" Luffy's voice lit up, and Usopp was reminded of the fact that over the last few months, every time Usopp saw them together, Law would give Luffy some sort of food, whether it be a pastry or a bag of chips. He didn't have to go buy it either, it was just for some reason on his person. He was almost never seen eating any of the food he carried around either.

Usopp and Zoro had recently come to the conclusion that Law was always carrying food around _just in case_ he ran into Luffy. Or more, Usopp had presented the conclusion to Zoro and Zoro had been too distracted by Luffy trying to steal a chicken wing from another customer to have an opinion.

It didn't matter, this was Usopp's chance to get rid of him.

"Oi Law!"Usopp shouted, or started to shout before he was cut off by Luffy.

"Traffy!" He waved his arms and started toward the man. Usopp went after, awaiting his moment of escape.

"What are you doing there?" Luffy asked. "Where are you going right now? Have you got any-," Before Luffy could finish that sentence he'd stepped close enough to Law to have a cinnamon bun shoved into his open mouth.

"I'm meeting someone for lunch." Law explained, and Usopp knew that his truthfulness would cost him. Or, maybe he was lying… it was about three hours too late for lunch on a normal schedule.

Luffy swallowed the cinnamon bun, probably half-whole, and latched onto Law's sleeve. "Really? Lunch?" He jumped up and down pulling on it.

"Really." Law replied, and so calm that Usopp had to squint really hard at this situation. "You want to come?" It wasn't hard to read Luffy's mind.

"Of course I'm coming." Luffy threw both fists into the air. "All right! Food! You might not know this but Ace hasn't been buying as much food lately and he won't let me touch most of it…" Luffy's voice was very somber as he held one hand on his sad, sad stomach.

"Well that's inconsiderate of him." Law said, and then his eyes flicked to Usopp. "See-ya around, long nose." He said nonchalantly, and then the two started to cross the street, Luffy with big triumphant steps.

"What's inconsiderate is you not inviting _me _to lunch as well…" Usopp was glaring. It was fine because he didn't want to come, but his suspicions about those two were only growing stronger with this development.

Putting that aside, a little smile came over Usopp as he turned around to head in the opposite direction they were, because nothing else could get in his way. He was sure Sanji's… oh, and all the other cooks that worked there's… food was going to be delicions! With big, triumphant steps and swinging manly fists he continued on his way.

o-o-o-o-o

The menu was depressing. Not the choices- no, the selection was second to none, and there were so many things that sounded so good, and the pictures made him want to start drooling.

The problem was the _prices. _They weren't absolutely unreasonable, but a lot more than Usopp would have expected from a typical restaurant. Then again, maybe this _wasn't _a typical restaurant, but though it was a pleasant atmosphere, it certainly didn't look _that _expensive.

"Are you ready to order, sir?" A young lady, maybe a little older than Kaya with the same color hair appeared for the third time to ask him the same question. He was fairly certain he remembered her saying her name was Conis.

"Uh, not yet…" He asked, scratching his head. "Hey, would you happen to know the least expensive item on the menu?" He smiled, almost humorously but hoping for an accurate reply. _Something under twenty-five, at least._

Conis laughed shyly, and maybe a little confused, and said "That's probably one of our soups at the front of the menu. A few are really pricey but the simpler ones are all right."

"Oh, thanks! I'll probably be another few minutes, then." He flipped through the menu to find them, and there they were at the front like she said.

"No problem, I'll be back in a little while then." She left, almost hurriedly to tend to the next customer.

Usopp sighed, head smashed in his hand as he looked over his options. He didn't really like soup, and had been hoping for something more filling. He was considering just paying the two bucks for his soda and leaving. After all Sanji didn't know he was there anyway and probably wouldn't find out. What was the point anyway?

A moment or so later…

"Really, I can take them there myself…" Usopp heard Conis's strained voice.

"Nonsense. How dare those shitty bastards stack so many dishes on a tray for a lady to carry." Now _that _voice sounded familiar.

"But it's my job, Sanji, I can-,"

"Don't strain yourself. You do your job well enough just looking like the angel you are."

When Usopp spotted him, Sanji was dressed in the same formal black suit and pants Usopp had seen the day they met, but this time buttoned up and worn correctly. Usopp could just barely see his blond head over an over-stacked tray of plates of food that looked way too good to exist.

"Um, thank you, but…" Sanji started handing out the plates for Conis, without heeding her more recent protests.

He just barely made out "Here you are, my rare flower…" as he placed a bowl of salad in front of a young lady. He didn't say anything directly to any of the men except calling off the name of the dish.

So he apparently wasn't just like this with Nami. Usopp's face couldn't have lacked any more amusement. Actually, it was a little embarrassing to watch. Especially the way his arms wiggled like noodles with an over-enthusiastic "you're welcome!" whenever one of the women smiled and thanked him.If waiting tables was this exciting for him, it was a wonder he'd chosen a job that kept him in the kitchen.

He almost didn't notice when a flustered Conis appeared in front of him until she asked "Are you ready, sir?"

"Oh." He scratched his head again. "Uh, sorry, not yet." He really should just leave. "Actually, could I just have the check for my drink?" He gave her a strained smile, hoping that wouldn't annoy her too much.

He watched her face sadden a little, like she'd done something wrong. "Of course, no problem at all." She kept smiling though. Usopp wondered, looking at her face, if she'd get in trouble for losing a customer like that. He'd still leave a tip though…

As if having sensed her slight dismay, Sanji was suddenly at her side with an empty tray held underneath his arm. "Hey bastard, you better not be giving Conis a hard time!" He barked, and his sudden presence took Usopp by surprise, and he just stuttered at first.

"I w-wasn't!"

Sanji studied him. "Oh, Usopp. You came here?"

Usopp scoffed, trying to shake the initial chills of Sanji's attack-face, as well as his equally terrifying, distorted 'in love' face from a little earlier. "I said I was gonna." He stuffed his nose in the menu to pretend he was still looking.

"What are you having? I'm on break, but I'll make it so none of the other shit heads here fuck anything up."

"I'm not really sure." Usopp scratched his head. "I'm still looking." Or at least, had now gone back to looking.

A few strained moments passed during which Sanji just stood there, as if patiently waiting for a reply, and Usopp began to sweat. He was about to just pick something good and suffer the consequences of the bill later when…

"He was having trouble finding something he could afford." Conis explained pleasantly, and Usopp froze because no, no… don't tell him that. She probably meant well, but…

"Oh, really? I can get my friends a pretty good discount anyway, so just pick whatever you want." Sanji shrugged.

Usopp's eyes lit up. "Really? You can? That's great!"

"No, but the geezer will get over it. Now hurry up, you're holding up Conis, and if any one of these shitty customers gives her any shit for it I'll have your ass to kick too."

"Aha!" Usopp didn't really register the negative part of that statement, because the excitement of all the delicious looking expensive things had already set in. "Thanks, Sanji!" He grinned, and started looking through again, this time with the pleasant knowledge that he could ignore the prices.

"All right! I'll have the Gourmet Steak and Steamed Broccoli."

"Asshole! That's the most expensive thing on the menu!" Sanji barked.

"Oh, really?" Usopp looked again pursing his lips judgmentally. Wow, fifty bucks…

"Whatever, I'm charging you fifteen." Sanji scoffed, and whipped around to get back to the kitchen. Conis wrote it down, and Usopp could have sworn he heard her giggle a little.

Usopp could easily accept that for something that sounded so good. It was a roughly eighty-percent discount, too, so he just had to consider himself really lucky!

o-o-o-o

Usopp felt more than just full by the time he was done, but indescribably satisfied. His tastes-buds were insisting that nothing else would ever be good enough again. By the time he'd picked the last bit of goodness out from between his teeth, he'd already decided he had to come back. Maybe he could convince Kaya's caretaker to pick up the check if they went together, too. Meri was kind of a pushover as long as Kaya was the one asking.

He paid a mere total of 17.34, and left with a smile that he'd long since forgotten was plastered to his face.

When he walked out the front door, the last thing he expected to find was Sanji standing there against the wall, smoking a cigarette.

"So, was it good?" He asked, as soon as Usopp noticed him.

"Good?" Usopp couldn't contain himself. "That was the best steak I've ever put into my mouth!" He waved his arms excitably. "You're really awesome, I couldn't believe how awesome it was!"

He was probably too absorbed in the memory forever etched into his taste buds to notice the grin that stretched across Sanji's face.

"Anyway, what are you doing out here?"

Sanji held up the cigarette between two fingers, as if it was supposed to be obvious. "Smoke break." He shrugged.

"Don't they have a back door for that?" Usopp crossed his arms and cocked his head. It really didn't do much for the classiness a place this good _should _strive for to have a guy standing outside smoking.

"I like to greet the ladies on their way in."

"Oh, I see… that's…" Usopp didn't know what that was. Was he _trying_ to scare them all away? At least, if he made any faces similar to the one he had earlier, that would have been the effect.

"Anyway, I'm meeting Nami and Vivi at the usual bar in about two hours when I get off." Sanji said. "You're welcome to show if there's something you want to ask her."

Ask? What could he possibly want to ask… Oh right, the money.

"No, I'm over that." Usopp waved his hand. "But I might come anyway, since I'm free."

Sanji studied him. "You're a good man to allow a lady free service." He said.

Usopp's eye twitched a little, but he definitely decided not to correct Sanji, and let him know he just didn't want this Nami to argue the case of Usopp having seen Sanji naked in front of him. As far as he could tell, Sanji hadn't gathered anything out of the ordinary for two ordinary guys from that encounter. Usopp was hoping it would stay that way, because _this_ on his side was getting less and less ordinary with each more ordinary encounter.

"See you then, then." Usopp might have squeaked that out from somewhere drown in his unwelcome thoughts before he started to head home. He'd dressed up a little before coming here- it was a nice enough restaurant after all- and needed to change before going to a bar.

"Right, see-ya."

o-o-o-o

Usopp was finding himself very, very concerned with what he was going to wear that night. He kept telling himself as he sifted through his drawers and closet that this was not a date, _this is not a date_… two girls were going to be there for shit's sake, and he certainly wasn't dating either of them either. For all he knew Sanji would have one on each shoulder (…all though, one of them was married…) and Usopp would only be there so Sanji could look good standing next to him empty-handed! He didn't really think that was the case but anything to stop this insanity of picking through and throwing rejected clothes on the floor.

But nothing changed the fact that he simply didn't want to look as bland as he had during their last few meetings. It wasn't like he wanted Sanji to notice him in some other way because that would never happen unless he grew a pair of breasts; he just didn't want to look like shit, all right? He already had to deal with having such a long-assed nose!

He ended up in a quite randomly chosen, but nice, pair of cargo pants, (had nothing to do with the fact that a girl had grabbed his ass in them once) a red shirt, and a brown jacket over top. More because it looked good than for temperature control. He was at very least satisfied when he looked in the mirror. He'd let his long hair just kind of sit where it fell after getting out of the shower instead of tying it back like he normally would. He didn't know which was better, but different might have been good enough.

Halfway to the bar he was beginning to wish he'd just dressed normally. What if Sanji or either of those girls noticed he'd actually tried and laughed at him or something? If only he'd considered that before putting it on!

He was standing outside the bar before he knew it, legs shivering… with anticipation!… as he stood in front of the door. _This is stupid! I should just go home and forget about the whole thing_… no! _That_ was stupid, and he was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. This was the same as meeting Luffy or Kaya or Ace or anyone else! It didn't matter how he dressed…

Putting his determined face on, he stepped up and turned the handle to open the door.

His eyes fell upon Sanji immediately. There he was, plain as day, flirting with a very familiar face at the bar counter. Flirting being a very definite word in this case, if it was ever a question with Sanji, because his lips were on her hand as he held it.

"It's been a while since we've met in person, Tashigi-san." Sanji lifted her hand and kissed the back of it, darkened blue eyes remaining locked on hers. "Allow me to accompany you somewhere more fitting for a classy lady like yourself."

Usopp snorted, because Tashigi, classy? She was ditzy and awkward one of the silliest girl's Usopp had ever met, even though he only had a few times. But, that wasn't important. What was important was the high percentage of chance that Sanji's head would soon no longer be attached to his shoulders.

Usopp imagined it rolling across the floor and landing at his feet, leaving a trail of blood, and wearing the same expression Sanji was now.

Point being: Zoro had just come out of the back room, and zeroed in on the two of them like he had a special radar for this sort of thing.

He was there within a split second, one of his huge, heavy, dangerous packed-to-the-brim with muscle, once-lifted-the-front-end-of-a-car, arms slammed down against the bar counter. It was meant for Sanji's head, but he ducked and dodged it like he'd seen it a mile away.

"The hell do you think you're doing, shit-cook!" Zoro barked, and Usopp shuddered at the way the wood had splintered under his fist at the edge of the countertop.

"Trying to rescue a lady from a barbarian." Sanji lit up a cigarette like he hadn't nearly had his head smashed down the hole between his shoulders.

"It's okay, I don't need rescuing, for the last time." Tashigi clearly didn't understand that even her own fist sending Sanji clear across the room would not get that into his head. Usopp could tell as much after having only known the guy less than a week.

"Ooh, Tashigi-san, you're so adorable when you blush!" Sanji's voice got more disgustingly babying than Usopp had ever heard it.

"Hey! Quit blushing!" Zoro barked at her. "Don't encourage him!"

"I can't help it when people do that!" She scoffed, and shouted back.

By the time she'd finished speaking, Sanji was on top of the counter with his right foot shoved threateningly against the front of Zoro's face. "Oi, shitty, ungrateful bastard." He spoke in the darkest voice Usopp had ever heard, and a good portion of the bar had gone completely silent. "If I ever see you ordering Tashigi-san around again, I'll mince you."

Zoro grabbed him by the ankle and tried to pull him off. "Get this thing off me." He ground his teeth. "Did you step in dog shit or something?" Usopp couldn't believe how much Zoro was straining to get Sanji's foot off of him. How strong were that guy's legs?

"Sanji-kun." A third voice interrupted, and Sanji immediately looked to find Nami standing next to Tashigi, who's hands were clamped over her mouth and eyes wide in horror.

"Get down." Nami had apparently found a broom somewhere, and before Sanji or Zoro could react, she swung it as hard as she could, tripped Sanji up on his other leg and hit Zoro straight in the face. Usopp watched it in what felt like slow motion, the way Sanji toppled over on the impact, and the way it smashed Zoro's nose into his face. He was gawking.

Sanji hit the ground behind the bar with a loud smack, and Usopp thought he might've heard something crack as Zoro held his nose, blood leaking through the fingers.

"Nami!" Tashigi snapped.

"Don't thank me." Nami waved her off, and settled on the stool next to her.

Usopp suddenly appeared at the bar next to her, leaning over it. "Hey, hey are you okay? Sanji!" He swore he'd heard his back or something crack.

"I'm fine." A palm was shoved against Usopp's face, and he pulled down on Usopp's nose like he would a tree branch to help himself to his feet.

"Nami-swaaaan!" He shouted, opening his arms up to the heaven. "Your fearsome sneak-attacks are as heart-stopping as always!" He wiggling his way to lean over the counter next to her shoulder, hands folded lovingly against his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah." Nami shrugged, and then sighed.

"Hey, dartbrow, get on the other side." Zoro scoffed. Tashigi was now up on her knees on the stool, holding a tissue to Zoro's nose as he shouted. Probably because she knew he wasn't going to do anything about it.

"Bastard, don't order me around!" Sanji exploded again. Usopp rubbed at the base of his nose and then scowled at Sanji. These morons were both completely insane.

"Uh, hi, Nami." A small, and probably a little apprehensive after that scene, voice joined the group. Nami looked up and smiled really big. "Vivi, you're finally here!" She jumped up and hugged the other girl tightly around the shoulders.

"Vivi-chwan!" Sanji was over the counter again in a second, dancing around the embracing pair. Usopp made-believe cartoon hearts swarming from him before he stuck out a foot into his swooning circle, and hooked it around Sanji's ankle, just because he could.

"Oops." He muttered after Sanji fell on his face. "Sorry."

"You did that on purpose, long-nose!" Sanji barked, and it rather looked like a dog, from his all-fours on the ground.

Usopp couldn't help snickering and grinning because, yes he _had_ and he was pretty proud of it.

"I'll strangle you!" He leapt up and took Usopp by the throat, shaking his head back and fourth as he squeezed.

o-o-o-o-o

"So why is the house-painter here again?"

After Usopp had nearly been killed, but thankfully saved by the blue-haired girl, Vivi, asking him Sanji to stop, the four of them got a table. By Nami's decision, it was as far as possible from the bar so no more idiotic fights would occur and cause someone to call the cops.

"I told him he could tag along. His name's Usopp." Sanji shrugged, and vaguely introduced him. Usopp watched her tilt her head and give him one of the strangest, most disbelieving looks he'd ever seen. "Usopp, this is Vivi." Sanji acted like he didn't realize he was being stared at.

"Nice to meet you." Vivi said, and Usopp smiled a little and nodded. When he looked back to Nami, her eyes hadn't left the blond diagonal from her.

After a few moments of her intense, figuring stare, and Sanji just smoking away like he didn't notice, Nami suddenly turned to Usopp.

"And you." She said, sporting a pleasant smile with something horrifyingly demonic behind it. "I hope there's nothing you wanted to ask of me."

Usopp squeaked at how close she'd suddenly gotten, and shook his head quickly. "N-no, nothing at all!" He spoke fast to save his life.

"Good, good." She nodded, waving and laughing it off. Time it was all pleasant, and that only made the situation in general more terrifying.

As the night went by, Sanji put a lot of focus on the unmarried, single "Vivi-chwan" as she subtly tried to scoot away from his advances. She even got up and moved to the bar to talk to Tashigi, and he had the nerve to follow, even with Zoro silently watching his every move. Usopp watched with eye-roll after eye-roll, thinking only if Sanji wasn't so damn creepy and insane about it, with his looks and talent he could get any girl he wanted.

Even so, Usopp had already decided that if he magically got transformed into a woman someday, he… or _she _would give in at the first sign of an advance. Not that he wanted that, with all his manly pride already built. But just _if._

He nodded determinedly while sitting there, head filled with those kinds of thoughts and more.

After a while, he began to realize that a scary pair of eyes might have been fixed on him this entire time. He shivered a little at first, and then glanced at Nami beside him, maybe just to see if she'd noticed anyone looking this way, and found her looking hard at him. He jumped a little, and scooted away from her on his chair with some mind to escape.

"I can't figure this one out." She said, glaring.

"F-figure what out?" He stammered, and swallowed.

"It's just so out of character." She squinted harder, and his grip on the edge of his seat tightened. "I can't believe Sanji-kun would invite a guy into a situation where he would otherwise be alone with Vivi and I."

Usopp let than run through his head a few times, and then blinked, suddenly wondering the same thing as well. Especially now that she'd expressed that there was so much off about it.

"Even if all three of us knew nothing was coming out of it, he'd still try, and he wouldn't want any male interruptions." She continued to study Usopp.

Usopp felt a little too tense, so he tried to laugh. "How can you know that for sure? How well do you know him?"

"Pretty damn well." She answered, blatantly, and he swallowed. There was a pregnant pause during which she looked thoughtfully away from him.

Then she sighed. "You've been staring at him this whole time, you know. And I know you liked what I showed you the other day."

Usopp choked on his own saliva.

"Do you have feelings for him?" She asked, critically.

"Wh-what? Don't be crazy!" Usopp laughed. "I don't like- well, I mean, we just met so…" He continued to laugh, but it faltered, just a little, and then he fell silent. "It's nothing like that." He finished.

"You sure?"

He didn't answer for a while.

"It isn't like that." He repeated. "He's just an interesting person."

"Right?" Nami kind of sighed, sounding almost irritated.

Usopp hardly noticed, he was looking at Sanji and Vivi again. "I mean, he's a really good cook, right?" He laughed. "And I've never met someone who could be so cool and so weird at the same time, it's just kind of different to watch… refreshing. Ah, but the cool times are the times I like him." He sucked in his lips when he realized he was rambling.

"You know a lot for having just met a few days ago." Nami inquired.

"Ah, there were a few coincidences…" Usopp shrugged. "I don't know him well at all, really." He frowned at the truth in that.

"He's pretty much a people person." Nami encouraged. "Keep it up and you will."

"By the way…" Usopp's eyes flicked to the daggers that Zoro was glaring at Sanji as he tried to slip in between Vivi and Tashigi. "What's with him and Zoro? Did something happen there."

Nami snorted. "Not really. They pretty much just clashed from the start. Started fighting about ten minutes after they first met."

"That's crazy." Usopp's eyes widened at the pair.

"Not really." Nami shrugged. "They're both dominant males, and Sanji, being a womanizer perceives Zoro as a threat to his ability to properly court females, even though he couldn't be less interested in anyone but Tashigi. Also, less sub-consciosly, he just doesn't like that Zoro treats women the same way he does men. Zoro believes in pride and it's annoying for him to watch Sanji berate himself in front of every woman he sees."

Usopp took in her words, and tried to apply them to the people he was looking at. He guessed it sort of made sense. It seemed like Sanji had immediate issues with a lot of guys- even Usopp himself, and Ace. But not as many as he did with Zoro.

"The sexual tension is thick as a brick." A third voice joined their party, and Usopp jumped, whipping around to see Ace.

"What the hell?" He barked.

"Shut up." Nami rolled her eyes all the way back.

Ace grinned at Usopp. "Don't tell me you don't see it." He pulled up a chair, turned it around and sat in it backwards with one leg on each side of its back.

"So how do you feel about your boyfriend flirting with two girls at once?" Ace changed the subject and Usopp immediately forgot about his last statement when his brain froze up. Shit… what was he supposed to say? What would happen to Sanji if he blew their cover? Not to mention, Nami didn't know about their little white lie… she wouldn't get it.

"It's just how he is." Usopp tried to laugh. "I know he won't do anything." He scratched the back of his head, trying not to look at Ace. These weren't the types of things he was good at lying about.

"Hmm…" Ace said, studying Usopp closely. Usopp felt himself starting to sweat. "Sanji's a lucky bastard." He concluded, resting his chin on the back of his seat.

Usopp looked at Nami to find her eyes flicking from Ace to himself, clearly wondering what the hell was going on. At least she'd been smart and considerate enough not to say anything.

"So would you mind if I flirted with him?" Ace asked, grinning at Usopp.

Usopp scoffed, frowning without even thinking first, because for some reason he really did have a problem with that idea. "Whatever. He doesn't want you anyway." He crossed his arms and stuck up his nose. Which for Usopp was kind of a large gesture.

Ace laughed and stood up to head for the bar, apparently taking that as a "go right ahead, he's all yours."

"What the fuck was that?" Nami asked, monotone.

"Nothing!" Usopp said quickly. "The other day Ace was trying to blackmail Sanji or something and he pretended we were dating to get him to stop."

"Really? Did you have to kiss him?" Nami snickered.

"What? No!" Usopp barked. Then he might have started to think about it… then he might have started to think about ways he could push this charade to the point where they'd have to prove it by kissing. No, no, that was way too dirty on his part.

Nami laughed. "Blackmail, you say?" Her eyes glittered with something dark. Usopp wanted to bang his head on the table because he'd probably just screwed Sanji over pretty badly.

He looked over at the bar again, where Ace was standing on one side of Vivi, trying to get Sanji's attention as Sanji swooned over Vivi and barely noticed Ace was there. Ace also seemed to be flirting a little with Vivi and Vivi just looked horrified in her current mess but still trying to smile politely. Tashigi was, to her own relief, left out of this madness a seat away.

It went on for a while as Usopp sipped his drink, until Sanji was suddenly looking at Usopp, and then coming toward him. Usopp set down his drink, looking back at him in wonder. Once Sanji got close, he burst into what could only be described as a fit of giggles and fell against the side of the table laughing.

Okay, he was a little drunk.

"Ace just asked us for a threesome." He his face was pressed into the wood table as he laughed, and Usopp's bottom jaw had dropped and hit the table as well.


End file.
